Month: May 2020

2020 Update

Looks like I haven’t posted anything in my blog since last year!
Guess I’ll catch all my readers up on what’s been going on in my life lately. 😀

For the past 2-3 years, I’ve been suffering from some kind of declining energy levels. I don’t know what the cause is. It might be some kind of physical ailment, or it might be mental. I’ve had depression my entire life, and perhaps it’s just changed forms. Or perhaps there’s something wrong somewhere inside my body, and it’s sapping my energy that way.
I just don’t know, although I’m working with doctors to figure things out.
The problem does NOT seem to be sleep apnea, because I’ve been using a CPAP for months now, and while it’s definitely better than NOT having it, my energy levels have continued to decline.
I’ve gone from being somebody who had a relatively active life outside of work, to somebody who bit by bit lost all energy for anything outside of work,
to somebody who didn’t have enough energy to keep working.
On the bright side, I finally managed to quit my Fucking Day Job, but on the dark side I still haven’t done any real writing this year so far. I feel like I’m recovering from something, except that I’m not necessarily getting any better.
I was just starting to become physically active again, working out at the gym, and doing various projects around the house, when the pandemic hit and pretty well shut everything down.
So I can’t go to the gym, and it’s problematic going to the store for supplies for the projects I started. While I’m overall dealing just fine with the new quasi-quarantine lifestyle, I have been sleeping more lately, and I’ve been suffering from a bit of mental fog. I’ve heard that’s not unusual, given the circumstances.
Beyond that, I suffered some amazingly intense pain a couple months ago, and I thought it was probably kidney stones, but x-rays and a CT scan show that I’m all clear of stones.
Which is strange, because I’ve also started having significant difficulty urinating since shortly after the pain hit me. It didn’t bother me at first, because I was expecting kidney stones, but now it looks like it’s something else.
I have a doctor’s appointment in the near future to get some more tests done.

On top of all of THAT, an old friend of mine recently passed away, and I’m having trouble dealing with it. This was a person I knew from childhood, somebody younger than I am, and somebody who I never imagined–except in the most technical of ways–that I might lose some day.
So I’ve been crying often, along with screaming and cursing, and I’ve lost a lot of my joi de vivre.
In spite of this loss, I’ve avoided falling back into my usual habits of drinking my problems away. In fact, when I realized that I was going to have to be spending a lot of time at home due to the pandemic, I consciously chose NOT to stock up on booze. Instead, I figured it’d be a good time to dry out a bit, give my liver and the rest of my system a break.
In fact, the last alcoholic beverage I had was around the 23rd of January, and that was the only drink I had that day.
I haven’t missed the alcohol much, except now that my friend has died I want to drown my sorrows and brain in booze. But I haven’t, so far. I figure I might as well save that for some other time.
I haven’t QUIT alcohol. I’m not on the wagon, and I don’t have plans to never drink again or anything. I’m just choosing not to drink for a while. This might end tomorrow, or it might end a few months from now, or who knows.
Booze will still be there if/when I eventually need it.

Meanwhile, here it is the 5th of May, and like an absolute FOOL I made the decision to stick to my yearly May writing challenge, AND to try for the goal of 5k words per day (average) for this month.
So far, I’m about four and a half days (22,500 words) behind schedule. My motivation is mostly missing in action, and my low energy levels make it hard to focus.
But I haven’t given up yet. The month is young. Maybe I’ll still catch up!
And even if I don’t, at least I’ll try to get SOMETHING done.
Starting with this blog post.